Hi sweetie,

there’s a nice lady from Rotterdam that just found me on instagram and named me sweetie too. I told her how nice is e-meet nice people on social sometimes. If she uses sweetie as I did/do with you she should be great.

I’m dizzy. I’m taking those medication that really spit my life out of me. I can’t listen to music. I have kinda one of those bunnies we saw outside our last hotel biting my brain. It’s painful, and strange. I’m full of these drugs and I know that seeing a concert in a part of Sonar will be very difficult: not for recreational drugs, but for visuals.

D’you know when you ask me if it hurts and I answered no? I lied. It hurts like hell. On the other side you even answer “I won’t” to mine “Don’t abandon me whatever happens between us”. And instead you did.

Fuck, I hate cannot write to you and to that all in public… I really hate that. But well, what the heck I have to hide? Nothing. Nothing that Shakespeare already wrote, or similar.

I need to hear you, I told you what your voice do to me:

11:21 AM me: I don’t mind that, I like hearing you. You are fucking antidepressant.
 Ronald: hahaha, my voice is antidepressant?
  that’s a compliment I never had before
 me: you are basically antidepressant, for me
11:22 AM Ronald: we need to find a way to bottle me and turn it into medicin
 me: even in pills
 Ronald: you need 2 pills of Ronald two times a day
  it will clear up your depression in no time!
  (going to patent myself now)
11:24 AM me: lol
  (lovely idiot)

I’m talking a lot about you with mommy. I spent so much time doing that. Fortunally she knows that I’m anticonformistic. And I think that she really is the first that believes me that I didn’t have expectation. No one except not being abandoned, or shut up everything. I have explain her the idea of us same soul split in two corps or similar as we said there:

me: so let’s think about reincarnation of the same soul split in two bodies §
 Ronald: nice theory
  that would mean that the fucking on Friday was actually masturbation
 me: yes, exactly
2:37 PM Ronald: and being nervous about seeing yourself
2:39 PM me: you are analysing that too much
2:40 PM return to the theory
  (that it’s nice, because thought by me)
 Ronald: (what, i like to philosophise)
  ok, so back to theory
 me: yes, the one of the ancient lover was too much for books
2:41 PM (have i mentioned how many people told me last week “you should write a book”?)
 Ronald: (nope)
  explain that sentence, don’t quite get it
2:42 PM too much waht for books?
 me: romantic? in a very strictly word sense
2:43 PM Ronald: hm, ok
  and is now split into two persons 1200 km apart
 me: but nice. But I can fit with something too nice.
2:44 PM hey, you were born 2 years before and let me keep the remain part (…)
  (so I miss R and a part of my sould? wow)
2:45 PM Ronald: maybe i’m R with a bit of F
2:46 PM (which would explain the part of me always having the feeling I’m not alone in my head)
 me: we are creating something self made to believe. Cool.
2:48 PM (I meant R like a letter to pronunce)
 Ronald: (que?)
2:49 PM (what does R stand for than?)
2:50 PM me: (my inesistant french sound like r, hun) (wait, what did you meant?)
2:51 PM Ronald: I meant R = Ronald part of the soul and F = Francesca part of the soul. Soul got split in R and F, and because R was born again first, a part of F is with R. What would explain the feeling of knowing each other and me being able to understand your feelings
2:52 PM me: Love that explaination.
 Ronald: Which also explains the feeling of you being not complete (?)
2:53 PM me: ok, but i need to kiss you now.
 Ronald: :*
 me: :*

And well she said: “what can I say, should be”. I don’t know. I still believe that if we have a contact we can cure somewhat eachother. Not for the bunny in the brain, but for all the rest of disfuntional (is it english?) things. Even if the things that still really terrify me is when you were in car and you yelled at me. In that way neither my dad did that. How much your black in yours can be more evil than mine, hun? Only that worry me. I don’t mind a fuck if you now say I’m crazy and a liar to your friend: mechanism of defence. But really, maybe I was only wrong that my automasochist black was similar to yours. And this can frightened me.

Kiss the kids, and go more often to shrink.

Ti voglio bene. F.


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