That's because a certain Buis blocked me everywhere and doesn't want clarify things as us adults are used to do.

I am here, in the same feelings of 26th of august. I am here for all. I am here for everything.
I feel psysically crap and mentally bad, but thinking of the most important nordic human for me everytime things were getting worse helped me to survive. I am not sure to continue tbh. To survive I mean, not to randomly often think about a dutch fridge.
And above all my brain is elaborating all as i am sinking in depression. But i said that can be a reaction to craniotomia.

Reactions. Italian vs dutch, right? Wait i cannot remember in history big dutch warriors, and instead we can count even Napoleon because his family was from tuscany.

I never have had the occasion to explain myself and now about two full months between psychiatry, neurology and cardiology the time makes me overthink: i feel more abandoned, even if doctors said that when someone don’t wanna see someone else is because there are still feelings and that one is fucking feared… so here is called “there is an open wide door in NL and you have to restart to talk again with him even if you are the one hurted and abandoned but you have to talk him, rationalize and get what remained and from there makes it evolve in the best way for both”. A girl who doesn’t sleep and has panic attacks and swallow pills versus a narcissistic liar. Yes, narcissistic psychotic liar was the definition of 3 doctors.
I would say that at least medications are free and i am always awake and quiet, but now i have wigs for hide what surgery did until it doesn’t get better.

I would only start with what i know now. That i feel lost. I physically feel empty in my chest like if there is not anymore a lung. Here, the lung on the left. I really feel like if my heart swings with no rest, because the lack of this something into. And i feel so much pain that often the only solution is starving or cry for 4-5 hours until i fall asleep for a little.
I don’t feel guilt for everything i did. I saw that my entourage is even more bad than my fast and furious reactions of revenge. Maybe they are right, but in my life if i didn’t hate my father i don’t see the necessity to start to hate a man now.

I am in love? It’s not love, it was always been something so different, bigger than me and difficult to understand that would have been love if me and the other part would have been normal. But we aren’t. And i don’t think it’s weird being unnormal, but seems society thinks in another way.

I still have feelings. There is not an on/off switch. I admire the cyberman who can do that. But i am one of that fucking Shakespearean characters that have feelings, struggles, emotions and isn’t ashamed to have that.

I think it is only an interruption.As someone said “then i will see if i want more”. But i am not more and above all there is to deal with “where the fuck you was and did when i was fucking need you because i was in hell”.
But i told: feelings comes first than ratio. I am tired of being rational. It’s no possible being rational with someone unstable. So. As i said: let it fucking flow. And let’s try, being two, to don’t put an iceberg on the normal flow.
But, if this person will makes me loose job again (yes, pias truncated collaborations for certain emails and i have lost 4700 euros in 4 months) maybe i will get annoyed this time. When that happened in october i saw it only like destiny.
But i can be pissed off if ok, i have no love, but at least i need a fucking job to pay at least part of healthcare. I cannot loose everything, and instead i did.

I think that once a certain Buis said that there is a song for every occasion. More then one if you focus well, but then heart makes choice. In last week my bed neighbor was listening to all these sad italian love songs and Amy Winehouse and I though “hell, there should be maybe the Chernobyl radiation but seems that 1983 isn’t a good year: full of broken girls”, even if i never got drunk as her or i never was trading footjobs as people said about her. But you know, after death you become saint and pure. It’s another good point for suicide.
But what I meant “you go back to her and i go back to black” is the lyrical way to say mine “if you go now this time i really destroy myself and everything i have”.
I am not feeling guilty, it’s a fucking consequence of the leave of a 30yo not grown adolescent that whenever move he fucks up everything.

[Here there is even “if no one move then nobody get hurt” “my body is your body i won’t tell anybody” of WaS. Good, an argument of interview]

I don’t need excuses or other. I only need to be not blocked for only have said buongiorno. The day that happened that i had a stroke and well it hurted, but at least was another checkpoint about “my heart exists”.


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